Whether it’s the literal light of the sun or light of the SSRIs. Actually I don’t know if I can call them a light to be honest. It’s closer to a flicker light surrounded by darkness. Some days it’s dimmer than others and those are coming far more often.
This is what I’ve become, try this medicine, try that medicine with a pharmacist giving me a dirty look and a “did you finish those pills already”. I’m not a criminal just caught in the jail of the mind. You know that jail, the one that makes it so you can’t look people in the eyes or get a panic attack at the grocery store. The one that makes you punch your steering wheel yelling why. If makes you ask a loved one why won’t the pain go away.
It’s going south when you start to tell people sorry for being a burden. Saying that to my significant other down to my doctor.
I really don’t like myself right now and I don’t like this haze of shame. It feels self inflicted at this point with different medicines that I’ve tried. It’s almost at the point that I regret the process. They say it gets worse before it gets better. If I knew it was this bad I would of tried something else.
I don’t know what else to do besides try and sleep. Sleep doesn’t make it better but I can’t feel the pain there. I can runaway for a few hours of not good sleep.
The cycle continues and blinded by it all.