The cycle continues

This isn’t the cool cycle that you see in baseball. Hell I’d even take staring at a wash cycle at this point but alas this is the cycle of antidepressants. It’s a cruel form of trial and error and an apparent necessary evil.

First off I’ll admit that I’m writing this in a haze of anti anxiety meds so excuse me if there is a lack of incoherence but I’ll probably write more truthful in this stream of thought.

The past two months have been a haze and currently on my fourth medication. The first two were SSRI’s that left me feeling worse than i started. As the doses got higher I could feel the proverbial noose get tighter around my neck. Slowly choking my life away as I fought the thoughts of really putting a noose around my neck. Thankfully I kept fighting and continued to search for more help.

Now leads me to my second antipsychotic medicine as another way to try and fix what is my brain chemistry. The first one left me restless with ideations still a problem. This second one is only a few days in but i haven’t dealt with much side effects like the others so that’s a plus.

Still I feel slightly manic and highly anxious and depressed but still going through the motions and hoping for the best. Sometimes I feel like I’m whining but I’m paying for this hosted space so indulge me if you will on this my true feelings.

I write this as a way to help myself and help others going through the cycle or even just starting the cycle. I hope to break the cycle, that’s my goal is to break out of whatever this is that I call life and allow myself to enjoy it. I have a wife and kid and I’d like to enjoy my time with them more but my brain is a funny place that pulls that joy away sometimes. More often than I’d like to admit but it happens.

With all this I want to say get help if you need it. Even with talking to my wife, friends, primary care doctor and psychiatrist I still called the suicide prevention line this week…… I needed to just speak with somebody I didn’t know to just work out whatever thing is in my head. Whether an imbalance or demons from the past or memories that I can’t remember or figure out.

……… remember let’s break through the cycle. I’ll try and sleep this one off and hope for a better day tomorrow.

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