How do you feel?

How do you feel?
No really how do you feel?

I ask this as I lay in bed not able to fall asleep. Just the light of an iPhone, rumbling of the air conditioner and snoring from my smush faced cat. I don’t know where to be happy, sad, depressed, anxious, or miserable.

If you asked me how I was feeling a month ago, heck even two weeks ago I’d ask you to point me to the sturdiest tree so i could wrap a noose around my neck. At least in this moment of the past week I can say I haven’t thought of killing myself. Those words are weird to write down or say out loud but here they are written for whoever stumbles upon this blog to see. Whether it be friend or stranger the words are there.

The only problem now is the the anxiousness and the misery have me feeling like this is what death of the mind feels like. I feel my mind slowly slipping away and that it scary. Before anybody tells me this, yes I’ve been seeking help but trying to find help that’s either available or is actually covered by insurance is few and far in between. Just going to continue with the fight.

Now I’m in the waiting game to see what will help in terms of therapy and pharmacy.

Really now I’m in the waiting game of trying to fall asleep. But I’ll leave you with one last thing….

How do you feel? I really want to know

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