How did I end up here?

I write this on my first day out of the hospital……..

First I’ll say sorry for not writing, I’ve been all over the place. For this part of the story or journey I’ll start with last week. As someone who has a blog about running with depression I’ll be truthful and say I haven’t run a single mile since the end of September 2018. I was diagnosed with an issue with degenerated disc in my back which has caused me a lot of issues.

About two weeks ago I threw my back out, like really bad so I started a regiment that worked before of hot patches and flexiril. It’s a drug that doesn’t interact with most of the drugs I take, except for the newest one I’m taking which is an SNRI. I go through the week with the flexiril not working and just in pain so I stop it. I go through to Monday and see my Psych and end up stopping the SNRI pretty much cold turkey. (Note: I was on the lowest dose of it for almost two months). I go about life with pain and a headache. I realize that I’m dealing with a drug interaction and withdrawal at the same time from the SNRI.

My vision is blurry, I have a migraine, I want to throw up all the time but I’m still working. At one point I get a saline drip in my house to help detox but nothing is helping. I’m losing my mind and the suicidal ideations are increasing. Come Friday I’m in a lyft to the hospital. There I get more saline and try to get a psych evaluation just to get some help. I end up getting admitted basically involuntary but voluntarily from the Psych ER to an inpatient program.

Just basically upset thinking I can get out the next day. It turns out I get discharged on Tuesday. During time I was able to help get some of the prescribed meds out of my system and meet others in the same boat as me.

Now it’s Tuesday and I’m itching to leave and once I’m out the door that I was wheeled into I’m having a full blown panic attack freaking out thinking I’m not ready for the real world, having a phone again and having responsibilities.

I’ve since calmed down but I’m still dealing with lingering withdrawal symptoms and worrying about the what next. This isn’t the first time i have had withdrawals off a drug that didn’t work but scares me of what’s next. Worried about my memory going and losing that sense of realty. Trying to use positive coping skills so I’m not crying in bed all day. It’s rough but maybe I’ll have some more water and go to sleep. I feel a lack of sleep is getting to me. The worry is getting to me.

How did I end up here? That’s what I’ve been asking all day. I’ll probably never find the answer but I’ll keep asking.

Enough about me, how are you feeling?

4 thoughts on “How did I end up here?”

  1. Stay strong Ariel….There are people out here who love you…Life is always a struggle..But, life is also a constant source of wonder and amazement…Baseball is right around the corner…You’re always welcome to take a little R&R down here in the sun…You’re a special individual.¬†Thinking of you and praying for you….You wanna call and talk, I’m here…..

    Sent from my Verizon, Samsung Galaxy smartphone

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